Four weeks later. Another week and no answers but more tests. Another week has given me the chance to reflect on some lessons learned and new observations. This week has had ups and downs but plenty of lessons to learn along the way, which sounds about right for life.
I took my longest solo trip out of the house this week and it’s starting to sink in that my trips out of the house have new considerations, like: How long will I be outside? Will there be air conditioning there? Do I have enough energy to drive there, do the thing, and drive back home? On that trip I learned that I am going to have to start thinking about and planning my trips differently than I used to. I am learning that ice packs are just going to be part of my life now and that I’ll need ways to cool down at hand. Thankfully we already have a couple of small coolers that will be easy to pack a cool down kit that includes ice packs and a bottle of peppermint cooling spray that Shannon makes for our camping trips in the summer. It just is a bit hard to wrap my head around the fact that I am going to have to pack that cool down kit for any trip out of the house that takes longer then an hour on warm to hot days. Changing habits isn’t always easy but I am grateful to have an incredibly supporting wife that helps remind me of the changes.
I’ve noticed this week that the peppy “I can handle this” attitude from crisis mode is really wearing off and I’m starting to face the “my life is forever changed” thoughts and feelings. As I was on the table during my MRI yesterday I was realizing that I needed to start facing the fact that this stuff going on with my body might be something that I have to accept and live with the rest of my life. I also noticed that I haven’t played the ukulele much this past week and I don’t know if it is because I am frustrated by not being able to get my fingers in the right places or if I just didn’t want to. I’ve noticed that I am a little quicker to get frustrated with myself and I’m giving myself a hard time when I need to be forgiving with myself. I’m am also noticing the moments that I don’t push myself when I should and I’m not quite sure how to recognize the difference in the moment.
Some of these days just breeze by and other days aren’t so easy. Some moments I spend distracting myself from having to think or reflect deeply and some moments I am incredibly aware of the different thoughts running through my head and see where I need to go from here. There are some questions that I really need to sit with moving forward. Questions that ask about next week and next month and not just today and tomorrow. I still stand by my resolve to not give into fear while on this journey. To do that I need to keep doing the things that keep my mind, body, and spirit healthy.