The past week has been a lot to take in as it has been packed with a range of different experiences. There were more doctor appointments this past week, gaming, and a trip out of town.
Monday there was another appointment with the neurologists and there was a lot of information given but they still won’t give a 100% diagnosis of MS. The swelling in my spinal cord is almost gone but I have two scars on it that will always be there. They said that one of the scars looks older than the other so this could be my second flare up not the first and there was something said about damage to my left optic nerve. Even though the doctors are doing what they can and not being assholes about it the appointment was really upsetting for me. They couldn’t tell me if I was ever going to get back the feeling and dexterity that I’ve lost but they will refer me for occupational therapy. They also want to start me on a treatment for MS even though they won’t confidently give me that diagnosis. Now this medication isn’t just a pill that I have to take every day, it is one that has to be directly shipped, not picked up at the pharmacy, and one that I have to be taught how to inject myself with. Now I’m not terrified of needles but I just never thought that they would become a frequent thing in my life beyond tattoos.
Shannon and I had a few more crunchy moments this week than we have in past weeks since all this stuff with my health popped up. We realized we were getting irritated with each other about the small stuff because that stuff was easier to get mad about than all the big stuff that has come up over the past six weeks. None of those moments were fun to go through but it really helped both of us to recognize that we weren’t really mad about the stuff that we were getting mad about but with the bigger picture stuff that still needs to be figured out. Since I haven’t been able to pull out the forge lately to transmute some of that emotional energy I have been turning to video games for an outlet, I’ve been playing lots of Borderlands 2 in particular.
Even though I wasn’t in a great mood during the week that didn’t stop the prep from happening for THE Crossroads this past weekend. It was an easier event to test out these new body boundaries because I didn’t have to tent, teach, or vend. The biggest thing for me on the schedule was doing ritual on Friday night and I was nervous to find out how my body was going to handle ritual. This was also the second big ritual that Shannon and I have written together and it’s really awesome to see an idea that you have down on paper transform into the thing happening right in front of you.
Overall I got a lot out of the event. I got to test out my ability to: drive a longer distance, do an event, to do ritual, to drum and dance around a fire. It was a really relaxing and replenishing event for me; I got lots of good moments with people and I got to make magic with folks that I love. It also gave me an opportunity to open up and talk to some friends about the health stuff that has been going on with me instead of just giving them text updates. All this stuff has been really hard to talk about, writing has been a bit easier because I don’t have to say all the things out loud but there is something about speaking it out loud that makes it more real because it has been released out into the universe.
I said to Shannon earlier this week that I don’t feel as though everything has changed anymore but that this new journey touches almost everything. I’m starting to see how there are things that haven’t changed. I can still walk, sing, dance, and drum but maybe just not as much as I’d like to in a moment. I can still travel but it takes a little more planning and packing. The way that I live my life isn’t completely altered by this new journey and is in some ways going to push me to take better care of myself.