I couldn’t tell you how many times I have sat down to write or work on a writing since March. Sometimes the words don’t come, sometimes I get interrupted, but both make it harder to sit down again to write. But here we go.
There have been too many things happening for me to really spend much time thinking about my journey with MS. Facebook memories reminded me of my hospital stay two years ago that led to a fairly quick diagnosis. Sometimes I forget how lucky I was to get a diagnosis, what took just a few months for me can often take years for someone. I was lucky to have an ER doctor that was willing to admit that it was out of his wheelhouse and he was going to call someone from Neurology to come take a look at me. He could have just sent me home and told me to make a follow up appointment with a specialist. Instead I got looked over by a neurologist in the ER and was then admitted.
Two years later and I’m not thinking very much about having MS. I don’t worry too much about what I can and can’t do. I don’t have a big list of questions to ask during the appointment with the neurologist later this month. I’m not thinking very much about my medication, other than making sure I take it twice a day. I take my naps and try to not over do it in the heat.
I wish I could say the not thinking about it very much comes from a place of flawless acceptance and adaptation to having MS but that wouldn’t be true. There are just bigger things to worry about right now. Much bigger things. I don’t have the energy right now to get out into the streets to protest, so instead I’ve been trying to understand more about how our local government works and figuring out who to send letters to about policy and legislative changes that need to happen. I don’t have enough brains about me to get into all that but some simple statements are: Black Lives Matter. Save the Post Office. Vote.
As the unsettling tension of the COVID-19 pandemic really started to hit the United States it was also hitting close to home. It didn’t work out to stay with my Dad and we are now staying with my Mom and sister. It has been nice to be able to be out around so many trees during these past few months; they remind me that no matter what is happening out in the world you can still root down deep into the ground.
I’m not feeling very grounded or balanced, so much has me feeling scattered these days. Lots of projects to keep my hands busy have gotten started, so it takes longer to follow through on one and creates a higher likelihood of me losing interest in several. Finding balance is hard but I’m finding it in some small ways. Learning to put down a piece of wood work before I over work my hands so I can work on it more the next day. Learning to step away from a task when it becomes forced but to keep at a task when it is challenging. Knowing when to take a nap and when to push through but have an earlier bedtime.
Without having to plan or pack for events this year there have been moments where I’ve struggled to figure out what to do with myself. Thankfully there is no shortage of yard work or things to do around the house here. I have been doing more wood working than metal working this year. Another thing to keep busy with is making the transition to a more online presence for Shining Keys. There was a bit of scrambling to settle down from but we are trying to get more of our stock that would have been on the road with us up onto our Etsy. We’ve made some Facebook live videos from our Shining Keys page and we are getting more free content up on our Patreon.
I have been falling in and out of depression holes for a few months. Some days I’m just kinda going through the motions in a bit of a daze while some days I show up with presence and excitement. There are days where I’m very irritable and snappy, which is not a great combo to have when sharing a single open space with my wife and the two kitties. I am incredibly lucky to have the support of loved ones but I need help too. I’m trying to find myself a therapist again but one bounced email and I have to work up the courage to send another message or make a call.
I’ve started running more which is something I’ve wanted to do for a few years but just couldn’t seem to manage. Shannon planted us a beautiful garden and it has been really cool to eat some food that we started from seed. There are so many trees to hang out with on my Mom’s property and that has helped with feeling grounded. My Aunt and cousin were able to get us a piece of new tech that makes work easier. We still stumble through using the tech but don’t have to spend nearly as much time fighting with it or having to do something on our phones because our computer browsers are outdated.
And here we are. In the middle of a pandemic. Our country in the biggest political turmoil of a life time. There are things that can’t be ignored or accepted as they are now. So much uncertainty ahead. But there is one thing that I feel certain about right now, it feels good to get some words out.